Panicky

Jason and I have had many discussions about children. Number of children to be exact. How is it that I still struggle with this? He got a referral today to go to the Urologist for the big "V." And now I feel a little panicky.
You're right. I have blogged on being done. Being satisfied with my fantastic three. Being totally content with being "done." Oh wait. That wasn't me. The being content part. That's the part I struggle with.
And yes, I might always have a longing to have just one more, even if I already had 5 or more. But I have committed (in my mind) to not having anymore children. Why?
a) My "other half" is DONE. And he hasn't budged in this decision in over 2 years.
b) There are days I feel overwhelmed with the 3 I have and I want to be the BEST Mom I can be to them. What if one more kid would just put me over the edge? Unable to be the best mom to them??
c) I would like to start going on short term mission trips...I'm praying about going to Uganda a year from this summer. God has laid specific things on my heart.
d) 147 Million. In the world. There are 147 MILLION KIDS WHO DO NOT HAVE A MOM AND DAD. And if, by some act of God (that's what it would take) Jason's heart changed, I would want to give a home to one of those orphans.

I KNOW all those things are true. But I still feel just a little panicky. I guess that's ok.